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01 January 2013 @ 03:10 pm
Considering there are only less than 10 rules in being a member of this community, one would think everyone would follow them. But apparently people do not read the rules before joining, or they just choose to ignore them. This is becoming a very huge issue apparently. I am going to take this time to address each rule right now. If you do not follow EVERY rule I will ban you, as your mod I have that responsibility.

RULE #1: You must have an eating disorder to join this community. This isn't a quick fix to weight loss. You need to have a genuine eating disorder to post here.
Pretty self explanatory, isn't it? But we are CONSTANTLY getting people here saying how they want to lose weight because they simply feel 'fat'. That is not how an eating disorder works. And considering it's almost summertime I know there are going to be dozens of posts like that. I WILL be deleting them immediately before people can give them tips on how to loose weight in an unhealthy way.

RULE #2: Please put any pictures behind a cut, if you don't I will give you one warning and if you still fail to delete your post I will delete it.
This is an extremely important rule and everyday someone ignores it. I don't care if it's just a photo of your dog, it needs to be placed behind a cut. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could be triggering. If you do not know how to put a photo behind a cut it's very, very simple. Take a look here

RULE #3: Do not distribute dangerous advice to others that could harm them.
I cannot stress this rule enough. If I see a comment of someone telling another member how to purge, lose weight rapidly, or what diet pills or laxatives to use, I will delete your comment immediately. This community will NOT be the reason someone became ill, developed an eating disorder, or even died.

RULE #4: We do not encourage "group fasts" here. Do not ask for people to join you in harming yourself.
These 'group fasts' or 'texting buddies' can become very dangerous. Some people may even use them as a competition and therefore become very ill. I understand some people want the support of a texting buddy but I know for a fact most people will send a text to the other person telling them to stop eating or tell them 'they're strong enough not to eat.' Disgusting. It is also very dangerous on the account you have no idea who is on the other side of that phone. It could be ANYONE.

RULE #5: Do NOT post your exact location when/if filling in "Current Location". This is for your safety.
I know a lot of your phones automatically put your current location into your post, but it is strictly against the rules. All I'm asking is that you check your post once it's posted to make sure it is not added to it. If you do not delete it, your post will eventually be deleted itself with no warning.

RULE #6: Do NOT delete comments on your entry or replies.
This is very common with people who do not have an eating disorder to begin with. They get angry at what other members have to say, to keep them safe, so they end up deleting comments they don't like. I, as well as the other mod, will not tolerate this. It is out of respect you keep those comments on your posts, whether you like them or not. If they are harmful or disrespectful towards you, send a PM to me and I will take care of it.

Simple, right? If you have any problems with any of these rules, contact me through PM, or comment here.
23 November 2014 @ 10:42 pm
So I crapped my pants today. Literally. Not figuratively like I got scared. Literally. And I was out and about. Luckily I had an extra pair of underwear and pants in my car, or I would have been so screwed...and had to come home to my new "family" with crapped pants. So fun. So yeah. Went to a CVS parking lot, changed my pants in my car (luckily also had wipes in the car for some strange reason). Then went and broke down and bought anti-diarrheal, an air freshener for my car, and hand sanitizer. Woo! So that's my super gross, super awful story for the day. But I still can't complain, because God has given me a free roof over my head, and that just trumps everything right now.

In other good news, besides having free housing for a month or thereabouts, I'm interviewing for a job that pays 14 freaking bucks an hour. It'd be part time at first is the only thing, which kind of sucks, but they told me as I took more shifts, they'd call me for more and more shifts, and if I was always taking them, they'd eventually just put me on full time. So that would be nice, because I really need the full time (although I'd only make $11 an hour full time, so really, part time with 30 hours is comparable money-wise...about $20 difference).

So yeah. Oh, and I'm sick. I caught a cold, which is either from my friend's stepdaughter, or from being out in soaking wet shoes with no coat in the rain this morning when I was loading up my car to move over to my new place....betting on that one lol. So I have a wicked cough. It's not terribly fun. Hopefully I don't ruin my voice before tomorrow, though, since I have that interview at 11:30. Yeahhhhh. So we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, time for bed here. Take care you guys. Love you all.
23 November 2014 @ 02:39 pm
Tomorrow I'm 51.

Today I want to cry for the abused unloved fat child I was. But I can't.
22 November 2014 @ 11:37 pm
So, in my church (I'm Mormon), we get/give blessings, which is where a priesthood holder speaks to you what God has to say to you. It might sound wacky, but it's something we believe in. It's really God speaking to you through the priesthood holder. Anyways! I got one tonight. And it basically said that while it would be super effing hard, I could do this. I could stay here, and get a job, and find a place to live, and pay my bills, and deal with my bipolar. And when I got it, I was super skeptical, because I tend to not believe in myself like at all.

But! My friend and I went to a church party tonight, and one lady needs someone to rent out her extra room (she's an empty nester) and another needs a nanny (15 mo old baby boy). Miracles happen, y'all. I have a place to stay and a job in one night. Nothing's for certain yet, but that's the plan these days (or...this day, since it seems to change every dang day). I talk to the lady who needs a nanny tomorrow and give her my resume and references. Hopefully she likes me.

I ate a ton today (or it feels like I did), but only ate once and kind of stuffed my face. I actually didn't mean to order as much food as I did, and then they gave it to me, and I couldn't reheat it so I just ate almost all of it, although not alllll of it. My IBS has been SUPER bad today, unfortunately. It's driving me nuts. But considering the good news(es) of the day, I can't complain much. Also. I now have a cute blue fishy (ornament). No one stole it tonight in white elephant. They don't appreciate the value of a sparkly blue fishy lol. =P

Maybe this will finally work. Maybe I'll become some super nanny. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll get fired. Who knows. But I'm gonna try. I'm not giving up. Here we go!
22 November 2014 @ 01:56 pm
So, I posted about my plans to stay here in MO. I'm just super scared, because a couple shitty things have happened. One, the girl I used as a name drop for the job I applied for apparently isn't the best reference...and might be getting fired on Monday. So that's joyful, because now there's no guarantee I'll get that job, and even if I do, turns out they don't guarantee hours. So I could work 50 hours, or I could work 10 a week. That's not good. It's good money ($10/hour). But not guaranteed. But I can't find another job that pays that much, either..... I don't know what I'm gonna do at this point. I'm staying in a hotel this week. I'm supposed to move into my new apartment a week from today. I'm paying her the deposit on Monday. Ugh. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I feel...ugh. I just wish God and I spoke ANY common language at this point. Anything. Anything would be appreciated right now.

I almost think I'm just gonna go home. Try to get some kind of job there or something? I'm just terrified I'm gonna fail again. So terrified. I have no money once I pay my deposit and rent, so if I don't have a job, that means I don't eat...or have toilet paper...or other necessities. I just have this sinking feeling about it, but I don't know if that's fear or a warning, you know? I just...I'm scared. Anyways.

I need to start applying for cleaning jobs at the hospitals around here, too. But I don't know where they are in relation to my new apartment, so I kind of can't. Joy. They'd pay enough, though. Neither of those are my dream job (washing old man's up diarrhea....) but they'd pay the bills. This is terrifying...have I mentioned that? Oh, and the girl whose apartment I'd be sharing is pestering me for a real answer on if I'm taking the apartment. I keep giving her noncommittal answers...but that's not gonna fly long. Ugh.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not a risk-taker. And this is an enormous risk. So lost.
22 November 2014 @ 03:38 am
I really just wanna be normal..

weigh a normal weight
think normal thoughts
have normal relationships
feel normal
21 November 2014 @ 09:30 pm
I went today to my first therapist appointment.
It was ok. Did a test and we talked about general things.
Then I arrived home and dad told me things that made me cry. He said therapists are for silly people and that I should solve my problems by my own. That therapists are just people who listen to you and don't do anything else. That I didn't have problems and that there were people with more problems than me.
He said the problem with me was that I needed a boyfriend...

I was really afraid of telling him and telling my mom I had made the appointment but I knew they would ask were I was going so I decided to tell them. I didn't want to be judged... I know the idea about therapists that my parents have is really bad but it makes me feel like a looser.
I really waited a lot of time to do this bcs I was really afraid of him to know about this... And now I want to cry
21 November 2014 @ 11:39 am


any experience.. let me know
21 November 2014 @ 07:46 am
So...the plan has gone from being a dependent mooch at my parents getting an apartment with my ex-fiance (totally platonic these days) her staying with her abusive husband a bit longer to win a custody battle and me finding a roommate here. She got me a job at the place she works, so that's great. So I have a job to pay my bills (supposedly pay my bills...which are remarkable high >.o). I found a place to live and we're gonna go see it tonight at 7. My parents are gonna get me a hotel for two weeks, though, in case the job doesn't work out, so that I don't sign a long term lease and then can't get out of it even though I go home to their house. So that's good. So that's the plan right now. Hotel for two weeks while I assimilate as a home nursing aide, and then if it works out, I'll move in with this kind-of-insane chinese girl who keeps the house without heat and air lol. I mean, to be fair, I survived Rexburg with no A/C so this should be okay I guess. I do own shorts lol. So yep. That's me right now. One last ditch effort to be independent. Good stuff.

I've not been eating because I kind of can't afford to.....I need to talk to a bishop about getting some bishop's storehouse this week because eating out is expensive and I don't have cash reserves to spend on it. So yeah. Haven't been eating much, but just 'cause I can't afford to right now.

Other than that, life is okay. It's super scary always being worried about my friend, though, and her husband. He's getting more and more angry and dangerous, and I wish so badly she'd just move out with me. I hate to see her hurting.

My family is actually super supportive of me doing this whole thing (kind of because they don't know who I'm currently staying with.....yeah...they REALLY don't like my ex). They think it'll be good for me to see other people's problems and take care of another person. So it'll be good, I think. And if it doesn't work out, I will finally just go home and give up and be a shell. But I hope to God it works out and I can be on my own.

Anyways, guess that's all for now, as I need to wash the dye out of my hair lol (it's been "cookin!" while I was typing this lol). Take care and I love you guys! Thanks for all your support over the past couple weeks. It means a lot to me. And be nice to the new people. ;) They don't know better yet.