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01 January 2013 @ 03:10 pm
Considering there are only less than 10 rules in being a member of this community, one would think everyone would follow them. But apparently people do not read the rules before joining, or they just choose to ignore them. This is becoming a very huge issue apparently. I am going to take this time to address each rule right now. If you do not follow EVERY rule I will ban you, as your mod I have that responsibility.

RULE #1: You must have an eating disorder to join this community. This isn't a quick fix to weight loss. You need to have a genuine eating disorder to post here.
Pretty self explanatory, isn't it? But we are CONSTANTLY getting people here saying how they want to lose weight because they simply feel 'fat'. That is not how an eating disorder works. And considering it's almost summertime I know there are going to be dozens of posts like that. I WILL be deleting them immediately before people can give them tips on how to loose weight in an unhealthy way.

RULE #2: Please put any pictures behind a cut, if you don't I will give you one warning and if you still fail to delete your post I will delete it.
This is an extremely important rule and everyday someone ignores it. I don't care if it's just a photo of your dog, it needs to be placed behind a cut. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could be triggering. If you do not know how to put a photo behind a cut it's very, very simple. Take a look here

RULE #3: Do not distribute dangerous advice to others that could harm them.
I cannot stress this rule enough. If I see a comment of someone telling another member how to purge, lose weight rapidly, or what diet pills or laxatives to use, I will delete your comment immediately. This community will NOT be the reason someone became ill, developed an eating disorder, or even died.

RULE #4: We do not encourage "group fasts" here. Do not ask for people to join you in harming yourself.
These 'group fasts' or 'texting buddies' can become very dangerous. Some people may even use them as a competition and therefore become very ill. I understand some people want the support of a texting buddy but I know for a fact most people will send a text to the other person telling them to stop eating or tell them 'they're strong enough not to eat.' Disgusting. It is also very dangerous on the account you have no idea who is on the other side of that phone. It could be ANYONE.

RULE #5: Do NOT post your exact location when/if filling in "Current Location". This is for your safety.
I know a lot of your phones automatically put your current location into your post, but it is strictly against the rules. All I'm asking is that you check your post once it's posted to make sure it is not added to it. If you do not delete it, your post will eventually be deleted itself with no warning.

RULE #6: Do NOT delete comments on your entry or replies.
This is very common with people who do not have an eating disorder to begin with. They get angry at what other members have to say, to keep them safe, so they end up deleting comments they don't like. I, as well as the other mod, will not tolerate this. It is out of respect you keep those comments on your posts, whether you like them or not. If they are harmful or disrespectful towards you, send a PM to me and I will take care of it.

Simple, right? If you have any problems with any of these rules, contact me through PM, or comment here.
29 August 2016 @ 08:01 pm
I hate that evrything goes good and almost perfect and then all of a sudden i relapse. It happened again, and i think this time worse than ever. I got my period one day last 2 months, but at that same dag my brother in law found a laxative laying in the bathroom floor, of course it was mine, but i didnt say so. Then ever since , i felt grossed out that i got it back, i felt heavy and with a bloated stomach. I didnt relapse until a week after. And i heavily bp in the mornings and took laxatives and restricted. The only thing I would maintain was diet coke So my weight dropped to 93 and my mom was mad and made me delete my friends phone numbers because she thinks they're giving me tips on how to lose weight which is so not true.so now im trying to recover again but its hard. Today I ate almonds after lunch and then I purged. Like the only place i can get weight restore is at a treatment facility . Its sad and yet thats the only way to get better
Me nowCollapse )

5'4" 93lbs
28 August 2016 @ 11:30 pm
Alright so I'm going to start off saying this is just a big fucking rant AND I'm stoned as nuts so it will most like make no sense at all. Feel free to keep strolling, I'm really just typing to get it all down at this point.

So, as I posted about some time ago, I was going to move to california up until two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I freaked the fuck out and called it all off. It was two days before I was suppost to go visit the guy I was going to move in with. TWO DAYS. I had the FUCKING plane tickets, courtsy of my PARENTS. I had an entire week off of work scheduled, which took begging and pleading and a thousand IOU's with my general manager. I really freaked out because I was kind of into this guy at first. He's fucking awesome. He's a kindred soul in this fucking shitty world. We're both musicians, stoners, the same type of people. And so, for the past three months or so, I've basically had a no strings attached (cus I'm here and he's there) emotional relationship with him. And then, as it goes in all of my relationships, I began to slowly loose interest in this guy. All of the guys I've been with have been terrible relationships because I fall too fast and too hard and way too god damn quick. And so, just like in past relationships, I just stopped caring about them so deeply. It became blah, pointless, not even worth replying for. And that happened with him maybe three weeks before the trip. Two weeks later, my parents bought the tickets, and I started to try and get the days off from work.

I just flipped out for a night. I dumped my last guy to try and be single for once, and then he happened. Same shit differant circumstance. I couldn't touch him, hold his hands, sleep with him - of course it lasted less time than a real relationship. I COULDNT HAVE MOVED IN WITH THIS GUY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING INSANE. He's fucking 27 years old (I'm 17), he lives in fucking CALIFORNIA, I've never met him. And I was going to be moving into a RELATIONSHIP because I was stupid up until three weeks ago.

I had to call it off with him, over fucking text, because I have no balls. I thought he understood but I don't really think he fully got it because he called me later when he was on shrooms and asked: "Am I beating a dead dog?" and I was like "Right now, yeah homie. I can't say whats gonna happen in the future because life's fucking crazy but right now I cannot be with you, or anyone still." and then he said something pointless and hung up after I said bye and we've been like liking each other's shit but no direct contact.

Anyways, I took the week off, did a ridiculous amout of shit - Sunday I bussed 6 hours to have sex with my ex Bachi, (5 oreos and burned SOOOOMANYCALORIES), Monday was chill (a HAM SAMWICH), Tuesday brunch with Dave (fat day), Wednesday lunch with bella (around 600 cals I think), Thursday lunch with Mom (nother fat day), Fri Sat lonely fat and lazy and today fast plus first day back at work.  So I came home tired, stoned, and kind of sad, started playing League with some homies and the kid I banged (Bachi, coming up, important) and I just got fuckin pissed like he IS SO INSENITIVE.

THIS. FUCKING. KID. lost his goddamn virginity with me. He was literally one of two SERIOUS relationships I've been in. The second is my abusive ex, because he affected me a ton too. He has been 1) only guy I've devirginified, 2) a good fucking guy, 3) was not older than me, 4) DID NO DRUGS AND DRANK NO ALCHOL, and fucking cared. So when we started talking again, and we decided to start banging again, and do stupid <3 and flirty shit all the time, of COURSE I missed the old days. But then, two days ago, he was jacking off over text with me, and he was like "HEY maybe me and you and bella can do a threeway" and my stomach just twisted.

Bella is my best friend in the entire world. She's the coolest, most badass, Satanist hottie you can fucking thing of. Therefore, me being the huge, fat fucking looser who's always on her side, gets really fucking jealous. Bella does this thing, where whenever I introduce her to old friends of mine (the kinda guy you obviously have dibs on), they just forget about me. I dissapper. It's just him and Bella talking all night and me getting fucked up. So when he said that, I think a part of my romantic soul died.

I've been feeling like shit ever since, and anyway, we were playing, I left to go smoke a bowl, I came back and tried to play league, but some jackass stole my champ and so I dodged, and since I had to wait 5 minutes to q up again I came here and typed for thirty minutes. Sorry. Have a good night.

26 August 2016 @ 04:33 pm
Hi everybody
Having a weird time... Things are ok in home, thinks are ok with my bf and I can say things are ok at work. Ed isn't ok.
Ed is better than it used to be but not ok. I wanted to purge today... I didn't but I wanted. I just brought something for breakfast yogurth and bread to purge it.
Sometimes i want to be a teenager again, remake my life... Being someone else, even if people say I'm wonderful... I want to be different.
I wish I were again a teenager I don't like adulthood it seems like time passes in a one two three... So fast!!!! I feel time is ending for me. And even if a had done a lot of things it feels empty... It feels like I haven't done anything important.
I mean... I'm a doctor, I have a great bf that loves me... Planning to get marry. I published a book and I'm studying dermatology... What else do I want?
Sometimes I dream in being an Olympic champion I used to be a competitive swimmer and I was a good swimmer, but I left it. One of my dreams was Olympic Games and every time Olympic Games start I feel sad bcs I know I could had been there and I'm not. Bcs of sickness bcs I didn't want to bcs I was lazy and bcs of school.
Today I know I didn't love so much swimming so I wouldn't have become a winner but I really liked artistic sports such as ice figure skating and gymnastics. Once o practiced that but I was already old when I started skating at 18 and gymnastics at 12 bcs my parents didn't want me to practice those sports bcs they thought those sports didn't have future in the Olympic Games in my country, they thought there weren't good coaches here so I'll never be a winner and they never let me practice those sports like I wanted.
I'm now trying ice figure skating now but I know I won't be a Olympic competitor, bcs in old fir it and bcs o don't have time to train enough to be good at. That makes me sad and I think there is one of the origins of my Ed. Broken dreams
I have more dreams but they feel empty and I feel empty and incomplete. And I've noticed that all my dreams have something in common: being recognized, admires, feeling special and better than others.
In the other hand as I said in many posts I want to be sick not only talking about Ed but sick in any other way... Why? Feeling special and different maybe? I don't know... But I know I'm crazy for wanting that.
26 August 2016 @ 06:20 pm
my name is miley.
had an ed since i was ten, i am now 28. it has swapped and changed along the years between anorexia and bulimia. it hard. i recovered for a year almost with only being sick a few times in that year.. which was good compared to what i was like before.
i actually wish i never stopped. im not ready to let go. i have gained alot of weight due to medication which is obv not a good thing.
just one question for anyone out there...
does anyone feel dirty after eating.. like u have just consumed something toxic and u feel contaminated??? just wondering if its just me???
best wishes
24 August 2016 @ 11:56 am
yesterday I've binged (what else is new) and subsequently emptied both fridges at home. and then I was told to be moderate with family's money - right after I blew a lot of it on fruits so that today I could continue my diet.
it hurts so much to think about all the wealth and happiness my family could've achieved if only I had died two years ago. I hate myself for starting my "recovery" back then. I should've kept going.
'cause right now I'm just a huge gross slob that takes up too much space. and binges on top of that.
when will these thoughts leave me be?.. never, I presume.
it literally hurts.
23 August 2016 @ 01:46 am
Ever since I downloaded kik and joined some thinspo and fasting groups I am doing so well. I'm on day 3 of the ABC (don't laugh, I heard the ABC was proposed as a mockery of pro ana- and hardly anyone has heard of someone finishing it- but it works) and 8 lbs of water weight is already gone. I slept a lot today and it's now 2 AM of my day 3. 200 cals is the limit and honestly Idk how to eat 200 cals because it almost seems better to fast but, I decided I would wait to eat til before my shift and have a bowl of pho which is 360ish calories -- idk, maybe I'll eat half, I never finish it anyway. It'll be a huge filler so that's good.
In preparation for this diet I bought a box of organic spring greens, some eggs, white cheddar and caramel crunch gluten free rice cakes, green beans and peas, apples and sweet potato pancake mix (150 for 2 cakes). I have some staple 0 cal grapfuit water and $100 worth of teas I just bought with a electric glass kettle and teavana tumbler. I am so ready to make ana history. I really want to finish this. I know no one will support or believe in me but if I can prove it to myself I will be happier than I've ever been.
My tea stuff!Collapse )
20 August 2016 @ 03:15 pm
I may be new here, but eating disorders are not new to me. I've binged ever since I was about 7 years old (the handful of remaining memories is tied to my elementary school. apparently my family was starving earlier, because I remember dad's reminder "what if we will not have this food tomorrow? he also binges from time to time, but not as much as I do). I did everything to be thin when I turned 16 and after "recovery" (which didn't fix much) starved myself to near death when I was 18.
and then I felt I want to live.
and then my binge kicked in again.
right now I weigh the most I've ever weighed in my life. I've tried to accept myself like this. ever heard of bodypositive trend? well, it may work for someone, but I appear to be not that abstract "someone".
so I came back to this world. disgusted and empty inside. I don't have any more reasons to stay like that up my sleeve.
I'm already dead as a woman. I will never be able to stop craving skinny frame. So why bother?

anyway. although I'm "in the game" for quite some time, I've never been here, on LJ. and I'm happy to find that this network has a place where my words will be heard and my worries understood.

and I'm NOT looking for buddies or partners or whatevs. I may be sharing my thoughts, but I do NOT want anyone to consider me a role model, nor do I want to drag anyone along my very own highway to hell.

thanks for finishing reading this post. if you don't mind, I'll hang around here for a while.
18 August 2016 @ 09:04 pm
I have sucked at losing or gaining weight. I just keep vascillating between the positives and negatives of eating and recovery, and I just stay the same. It's so frustrating. I wish I could be all or nothing so that I could stay dedicated to something. Instead, I just feel like a failure. I'm not a good recovered anorexic, and neither am I a good anorexic since my weight is still in an appropriate range. I'm just undecided and depressed. (The depression is another story, though. Connected, but still another story).

I seriously effing hate this.