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01 January 2013 @ 03:10 pm
Considering there are only less than 10 rules in being a member of this community, one would think everyone would follow them. But apparently people do not read the rules before joining, or they just choose to ignore them. This is becoming a very huge issue apparently. I am going to take this time to address each rule right now. If you do not follow EVERY rule I will ban you, as your mod I have that responsibility.

RULE #1: You must have an eating disorder to join this community. This isn't a quick fix to weight loss. You need to have a genuine eating disorder to post here.
Pretty self explanatory, isn't it? But we are CONSTANTLY getting people here saying how they want to lose weight because they simply feel 'fat'. That is not how an eating disorder works. And considering it's almost summertime I know there are going to be dozens of posts like that. I WILL be deleting them immediately before people can give them tips on how to loose weight in an unhealthy way.

RULE #2: Please put any pictures behind a cut, if you don't I will give you one warning and if you still fail to delete your post I will delete it.
This is an extremely important rule and everyday someone ignores it. I don't care if it's just a photo of your dog, it needs to be placed behind a cut. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could be triggering. If you do not know how to put a photo behind a cut it's very, very simple. Take a look here

RULE #3: Do not distribute dangerous advice to others that could harm them.
I cannot stress this rule enough. If I see a comment of someone telling another member how to purge, lose weight rapidly, or what diet pills or laxatives to use, I will delete your comment immediately. This community will NOT be the reason someone became ill, developed an eating disorder, or even died.

RULE #4: We do not encourage "group fasts" here. Do not ask for people to join you in harming yourself.
These 'group fasts' or 'texting buddies' can become very dangerous. Some people may even use them as a competition and therefore become very ill. I understand some people want the support of a texting buddy but I know for a fact most people will send a text to the other person telling them to stop eating or tell them 'they're strong enough not to eat.' Disgusting. It is also very dangerous on the account you have no idea who is on the other side of that phone. It could be ANYONE.

RULE #5: Do NOT post your exact location when/if filling in "Current Location". This is for your safety.
I know a lot of your phones automatically put your current location into your post, but it is strictly against the rules. All I'm asking is that you check your post once it's posted to make sure it is not added to it. If you do not delete it, your post will eventually be deleted itself with no warning.

RULE #6: Do NOT delete comments on your entry or replies.
This is very common with people who do not have an eating disorder to begin with. They get angry at what other members have to say, to keep them safe, so they end up deleting comments they don't like. I, as well as the other mod, will not tolerate this. It is out of respect you keep those comments on your posts, whether you like them or not. If they are harmful or disrespectful towards you, send a PM to me and I will take care of it.

Simple, right? If you have any problems with any of these rules, contact me through PM, or comment here.
 
 
 
23 October 2014 @ 12:55 pm
Does it work? Has anyone used it? And would you recomend it?
 
 
 
23 October 2014 @ 02:03 am
I truly believe he will be better off without me. I truly, truly believe that. And it has nothing to do with my ED, and everything to do with my phobia of intimacy. I can't even let him hug me anymore. I don't know why he's even stayed this long. He's leaving tomorrow (Friday) and packing today. He's going to be so much happier without me. I swear it. And I'll be so much happier being a disappointment to one less person.

I need to find a roommate, now. If I get this internship I applied for, I could technically just keep the whole apartment to myself, but I don't want to waste money like that? I don't know, I'm still debating it. We'll see if the hiring guy emails me back tomorrow. I emailed him and told him I desperately needed the job and would do anything to get it. I wonder if that will help or hurt my chances....

I ate so little today and slept so little the past two nights, I nearly passed out sitting at a desk in the library on campus. Came home, went and got Costa Vida. But I had only had a greek yogurt other than that, so I was still pretty reasonable on calories. Meh. I really don't care. I'm pretty apathetic to everything right now.

Still not sleeping, obviously (it' 01:48 as I type this). I can't sleep to save my life. Speaking of sleep, I put everything I'd need for a roommate to move in in a cart on Amazon. Just under $800 to get both of us twin bed frames, twin memory foam mattresses, and dressers, and then for me a DVD player, sheets, a comforter and a quilt. Not bad for all the furniture I'd be getting. And I'm selling my queen size bed and couches and end tables/coffee table, etc. so that will offset the price. As will returning one of these computers I got. I'm thinking I'm going to keep the one I'm using right now. I've already put a good bit of wear on it and I'd feel bad sending it back having used it all week.... But whatever. Apparently they tried to deliver the sleeve for it yesterday, but I wasn't here, and my husband evidently wasn't either, so it'd gonna get here later today.

I hope I get a non-nosy roommate who doesn't give a crap what I do, who's clean, and who doesn't snoop in my business. I'm such a private, independent person. Seriously. I just want to be alone and never have anyone snoop in my business again. My husband says no one wants to be alone. I said not everyone is him, and some people really do like being alone.

My grades are falling apart. I keep skipping class, so I don't know what's going on in anything but accounting and math. My grades are steadily dropping in my JAVA and Database classes. But what do you expect? I joined the classes three weeks into the semester and never go to class. *sigh* I'm a terrible student. My husband says it's because I'm off my meds. He's wrong. I was like this before, I just started telling him lately since I don't care anymore.

I have to tell my family he's leaving.... They are going to freak out. I wish I didn't have to tell them. There's going to be so much shit hitting the fan. Ugh.

I'm seriously considering just not getting a roommate.... It's a super awkward apartment to have a roommate in anyway, because the living room doesn't have a door to the kitchen, it's all one open room, and the bathroom is in the bedroom. So I'd have to walk through their room to leave and enter the house, I'd be disturbing them if I used the kitchen, and they'll have to knock and go through my room to go to the bathroom all the time. If I get this job, I may really just live alone. I don't know....

I just want to move on to the next phase of my life. This one has been a roller coaster. It started out so wonderful. And then it moved more and more into the traumatic side. And he doesn't understand I'm doing this for him. Because I'm screwed up. And he deserves better. He deserves someone who can love him wholly. Not me. He thinks he did something wrong, but he didn't. He's perfect. He's irritating sometimes, but who isn't? I just can't be what he needs. I just can't. And he needs to move on as much as I do.

I can't sleep anymore. I hope I can soon. I'm exhausted. I don't feel good. I wanna die. Everything I do hurts everyone. If I died, people would hurt, but it would be the last time I hurt them. I'd be done hurting people. I can't stand how much I hurt the people I love. I just want it all to go away.

Edit:

I do need a roommate, sadly. Just realized he's taking the car and my potential job is 30 miles away. I'm going to need a car, which means a car payment and insurance. Shit. -.- How am I going to wing this?
 
 
 
22 October 2014 @ 07:16 pm
Hey :)

I was here quite a while ago, but due to the nosy (but loving) boyfriend, I ended up deleting my account when he started snooping while I was asleep. He was starting to get worried after I dropped a bunch of weight, and so long story short, I attempted to be a "normal" person. Eventually I actually was eating and had stopped purging and weighing myself every morning, which was good...until I realized I was now 225 pounds.

So, of course, I am now panicking and have full out leaped off the cliff back into relapse. And between the boyfriend being 3 hours away while I'm at school and STILL being able to tell that I'm depressed (which no shit, excuse the language), and finding myself hiding in the bathroom with the shower on to bury the sound of me purging the "meal" I had, I've come to realize that, not only do I miss having somewhere that I can talk without being looked at like I'm crazy and wanting attention, but kind of need somewhere to let go of everything instead of letting him catch on that there is something wrong again. He really does care, and I know he does, but I can't seem to find a middle ground that will keep us both content when it comes to all of this junk.
 
 
 
22 October 2014 @ 09:38 am
so I getting sterilized on Friday

I don't know how I feel.. my lpartner said a few days ago, was I really ssure this is what I wanted??

no Im not ssure!!! I love babies!! and knowing that I won't be able to have any more!! that's scary...

ohhh God give me guidance..

oon the ed front.. I'm defiantly going through it.. all different stages..

no food.
bingee/purge
eat normal/purge
diet/fast
eat
eat/binge-no purge
cleaneating
junk food

its weighing heavily oon me..literally

help me someone please... I just wanna be normal.
 
 
 
21 October 2014 @ 09:34 pm
I don't know what's wrong with me. But I just don't want any of this. Intimacy is about 4 million on my list of top things I'm interested in at the moment. I just can't do this. And yet he's determined to make it work and love me through it. I wish he'd just leave. He deserves better than me. He deserves to have someone's whole heart. He's such an amazing husband, and I'm such a terrible, bitchy wife. I just want it to end and move on to the next failure in my life.

I did day two of Jillian Michaels' Body Revolution. It kicked my ass hard. My abs hurt so bad. But I love it. I've been eating too much (about 1300-1400 calories a day) but I've been burning over 3000 a day, too, and while I gained two pounds over the weekend, it's already back off and I'm back at 195. So I'm okay with that. My husband just posted a picture about how love doesn't have days off and stuff. I feel like shit. I'm such a terrible wife.

I got my new computer today. It's so awesome, that my husband, who was a naysayer when I said I was going to get it, wants one, too, so we're selling my old laptop to pay for one for him lol. It's freaking amazing and huge but only 5 pounds so I can take it to school and stuff.

I just can't do this much longer. I've got to find a way out. Help?
 
 
 
20 October 2014 @ 04:20 pm
Well. Purging has caught up with me again. Caused a cap on one of my back teeth to chip and that tooth is now just going to hell. Unable to get to a dentist just yet so ive been trying to make it with a couple more checks under my belt so i dont bust just paying my dentist. But good grief. Its been dreadful. A dear friend recommend anbesol. Thank god she did. Lastnight i had enough and went and bought some. Should of done so sooner. Cause pain pills did nothing so i drank and yesterday took the pain pills with a beer. Yaya i know crazy. But in desperation you do desperate things. I also ended up eating cause usually when i drink i do. As to why i try and avoid drinking now. Well. Trying to fix some of this past weekends damage and drink loads of water and now workout. Gotta dash to workout cause i have to be at work in little over an hour.
 
 
 
20 October 2014 @ 01:20 pm
So a lot has happened in the last few days. As I said in my last post, the third phone I tried didn't work because it wouldn't unlock. So I'm waiting for them to call me about that now...well...actually waiting for them to call my husband but yeah. I'm definitely breaking in my running shoes. I'm down to an 11:36 mile. Still have to go to the gym today, but can't until my husband gets home because packages are coming to the house. So I have to wait til he gets home and/or the packages come and then I'll go for my run. Maybe after dinner...rice always makes for a good run and we're having chicken and rice casserole for dinner.

I skipped classes today. I decided I needed a mental health day/clean-the-house day. So. The whole apartment has been vacuumed, scrubbed, laundry done, bed made, bathroom cleaned, couches vacuumed, stuff organized, closets organized, under the bed organized, kitchen scrubbed, etc. I did a deep clean on it. Oh and I did all the dishes. Woo! So now I'm just waiting on the packages.

Weight Stuff/Food StuffCollapse )

Man I'm tired. My upstairs neighbors tromp around like elephants every morning at 3am on the dot and wake me up and I couldn't block them out this morning so I've been awake since 3am having gone to bed around midnight. Ugh. But I can't take a nap because I might miss the UPS/FedEx guys. *sigh*

I bought my husband a bluetooth gaming headset to apologize for being such a bitch lately. And I really have been being one.... I need to be nicer to him. He's such a sweetheart, but he has this natural patronizing tone and always wants to help me with stuff and I have an "I can do it myself I don't need any help" attitude. The combination doesn't work out well.... =\ I'm just so independent and he's so codependent. It's not a good combo. But we're working on it.

I got a new "laptop" yesterday. It gets here tomorrow by UPS from Amazon. It's a Dell XPS 18 18.4" tablet desktop that I'm going to drag around like a laptop lol. So that's awesome. Took me forever to find a bag for it. But I did. And it was only like $20. If it doesn't fit in that one, the other one I found is $40, so neither is too bad. And it's a $1000 tablet that I'm getting refurbished for $499, so it's a pretty dang good deal anyway. Got a sleeve for it, a backpack for it, a screen protector/skin, and a fine tipped stylus. I'm so freakin' excited to get it tomorrow. My husband's headset gets here tomorrow, too. So an exciting day tomorrow for packages in this house lol.

I've developed a running regimen to get me up to army 100% standards (15:36 2-mile time). I should reach it around Valentine's Day, assuming nothing bad happens between then and now (which I'm sure it will lol). So I figure if I can finish it by March, I'll be happy with it. I also got Jillian Michaels' Body Revolution (we can't do Insanity, unfortunately because our downstairs neighbors are bitchy about us making noise, otherwise I totally would, since last time I did Insanity I lost like 30 pounds lol). It gets here today, so I get to try it out. I'm excited. I love JM's DVDs and so I'm excited that she made a full 90 day program. I'm also doing a ton of inverted rows, pushups, situps, squats, one-legged squats, lunges, and suspension pushups. So I'm doing a full body workout already and I'm adding in JM's Body Revolution. I feel like I can handle it. I'm rarely sore and stuff, and my mile time is getting better every day. I feel like I'm finally getting back into good shape, which makes me freakin' ecstatic.

Anyway. Time for a nap on the couch until my husband gets home or some packages get here. Take care, everyone.
 
 
 
20 October 2014 @ 08:58 am
Cardiologist said it wasn't a big deal. Just inappropriate sinus tachycardia. I think is anxiety too and stress at work. I'm taking propranolol now, it's the third day of propranolol intake and I'm feeling better.
I'm mad at myself, I've been mad since yesterday bcs in too fat. I feel obese and I can't stand that. I want to be beautiful. And I think this ed thought became stronger since a TV interview on Saturday. Everybody said I looked gorgeous at the interview, that I was really beautiful and amazing, hug when I watched it I just saw myself with a round and fat face :( I have to be thin, people to think: wow, how thin she is!!

In the other hand... I know I'll never be as thin as I want to be bcs I have polyquistic ovary syndrome and I have tendency to gain weight. I want to kill myself...