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01 January 2013 @ 03:10 pm
Considering there are only less than 10 rules in being a member of this community, one would think everyone would follow them. But apparently people do not read the rules before joining, or they just choose to ignore them. This is becoming a very huge issue apparently. I am going to take this time to address each rule right now. If you do not follow EVERY rule I will ban you, as your mod I have that responsibility.

RULE #1: You must have an eating disorder to join this community. This isn't a quick fix to weight loss. You need to have a genuine eating disorder to post here.
Pretty self explanatory, isn't it? But we are CONSTANTLY getting people here saying how they want to lose weight because they simply feel 'fat'. That is not how an eating disorder works. And considering it's almost summertime I know there are going to be dozens of posts like that. I WILL be deleting them immediately before people can give them tips on how to loose weight in an unhealthy way.

RULE #2: Please put any pictures behind a cut, if you don't I will give you one warning and if you still fail to delete your post I will delete it.
This is an extremely important rule and everyday someone ignores it. I don't care if it's just a photo of your dog, it needs to be placed behind a cut. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could be triggering. If you do not know how to put a photo behind a cut it's very, very simple. Take a look here

RULE #3: Do not distribute dangerous advice to others that could harm them.
I cannot stress this rule enough. If I see a comment of someone telling another member how to purge, lose weight rapidly, or what diet pills or laxatives to use, I will delete your comment immediately. This community will NOT be the reason someone became ill, developed an eating disorder, or even died.

RULE #4: We do not encourage "group fasts" here. Do not ask for people to join you in harming yourself.
These 'group fasts' or 'texting buddies' can become very dangerous. Some people may even use them as a competition and therefore become very ill. I understand some people want the support of a texting buddy but I know for a fact most people will send a text to the other person telling them to stop eating or tell them 'they're strong enough not to eat.' Disgusting. It is also very dangerous on the account you have no idea who is on the other side of that phone. It could be ANYONE.

RULE #5: Do NOT post your exact location when/if filling in "Current Location". This is for your safety.
I know a lot of your phones automatically put your current location into your post, but it is strictly against the rules. All I'm asking is that you check your post once it's posted to make sure it is not added to it. If you do not delete it, your post will eventually be deleted itself with no warning.

RULE #6: Do NOT delete comments on your entry or replies.
This is very common with people who do not have an eating disorder to begin with. They get angry at what other members have to say, to keep them safe, so they end up deleting comments they don't like. I, as well as the other mod, will not tolerate this. It is out of respect you keep those comments on your posts, whether you like them or not. If they are harmful or disrespectful towards you, send a PM to me and I will take care of it.

Simple, right? If you have any problems with any of these rules, contact me through PM, or comment here.
27 May 2016 @ 01:05 pm

I am so frustrated. I am physically addicted to sugar. I have been trying to stop but I honestly can't seem to control myself unless there is someone around who will stop me. I have fibromyalgia and the medication I take gives me heart palpitations. I've normally been a diet pill person, but I'm terrified that they will seriously mess me up. But I'm still thinking admit using them anyway? Same with laxatives. My body handles them poorly after so many years and there was a time I was afraid I was going to literally die. Why should I even be tempted to use them??
I'm in this place messed up place where I can't restrict because I don't have the self-control, I'm too scared to use diet pills or laxatives, and my husband would notice purging really fast after dealing with me for almost a decade. I feel relapse-ish, but I've lost no weight and changed no habits. As always, I feel like I'm playing at an eating disorder and like I will never belong on a blog like this, but I'll never really belong with normal, healthy people either.

26 May 2016 @ 01:33 pm
I thought I would introduce myself. I have fallen off the recovery wagon. I have lost about 3 BMI points since recovery. I am still in the normal BMI range, so I'm probably still quite large in comparison to most people here. It feels good to be part of a community that understands. Nice to meet you all.
25 May 2016 @ 10:30 am

I have expanded. The growth of me is shocking, red lighting bolts streaking over my thighs, angry and bright. The growth of me shocks my husband, brushing his warm fingertips tenderly over the stretched skin murmuring softly, 'Your poor thighs'.

I have expanded into a soft creature with no hard edges. Feminine in my head tipped down and my uncharacteristic modesty. No more am I for shirts that expose my stomach, shorts witch let my legs touch.

I have expanded and everyone can see me. The space I take up is too real. My hips sit wide, filling chairs upon which I used to perch. My flesh in my clothes fills to the brim then spills over, too large a glass of water for my jeans to swallow. I bump into walls, corners, unsure of how to drive a semi-truck since I crashed my Ferrari.

I have expanded because of physics. Nature abhores a vacuum like the black hole which used to hide under my skin. Like the negative space between my thighs. When I could no longer suck in any further, I exploded outward. It was as violent as a bomb and I am equally devastated, trying to find a way in the rubble and waste leftover from the war I waged on myself.

25 May 2016 @ 08:59 am
UPDATE: I ordered some diet pills today, I can't wait for them to get here.

I've moved from FL to WA and my wife is now in-in the military. She even is done training for her job this week - I think today actually.

I got a great job here in WA at a local Spencers in the mall. I love it tons. The hours are awesome (as they are super minimal so I don't have to go out often but just enough).

I was doing well prior to my wife being out of bootcamp/tech school. And so was my wife actually. We were both so great looking. Then we moved up here- the move has been so stressful. Adjusting. We've been able to eat and I am able to cook (which was/is something I love[d] to do). But now I'm hating myself for it. I cook too much fatty foods. I cook too much crap. And my wife is now here to watch my intake every night and she's back on this habit of insisting she knows how much I'm supposed to eat (which is oh-so annoying) and now my thighs are big sand filled balloon sacks of fat and disgusting crap...

I don't know what happened, when I gave up or gave in or why I did what I did- giving in to food and eating and not caring. I don't know why I stopped working out- we tossed out all the old sauna suits when we moved and now I can't sweat. The weather up here is wonderful but not as good for breaking a sweat. I'm alone and in this house I feel like there's all this food- weed is legal which is both good and bad... I can smoke but I get so hungry and I indulge again and again and again and I think I'm just that much closer to being back at the weight I once was. I can't see my ribs anymore.

I hate myself again. More than before.

Going to buckle down and get back on the train to skinny. I just hope I'm not too late...
24 May 2016 @ 06:56 pm

I can relate lol.
24 May 2016 @ 12:15 pm
I'm back to having counselling but my counselor made me promise to go to the doctors about my ED so that I can get more specialized treatment. I have never told the doctors before, I normally avoid the topic, so I'm a bit nervous about it. My appointment is next Thursday.

The purging has been the same as I last posted. I do it once or twice a day. Occasionally have an off day. I'm getting really frustrated with myself as I have been eating so much lately. Don't really know what's wrong with me. In my journal I write in every night I seem to be writing the same thing; ate too much, need to go back to starving and want to stop purging. My weakness is biscuits (cookies) which sounds stupid but if there's some in the room, which there normally is some in our shared office, I have to have like 10 of them. I hate it. I sometimes go on a ban but then someone will bring in something really nice like shortbread and I end up caking in. I'm so weak. I have no willpower.

Haven't been able to workout since Thursday as I went and played paintball with my friends on Saturday and I have been very sore ever since. Going to push myself to do a workout tonight though. Need to get back on it. Feel like I have trailed off the road a bit and need to get back on track.
23 May 2016 @ 08:38 am
So i feel that my sister is trying to act like my other sister which is very extremely annoying. More so with the way they ask for things like we all work for dad well i kinda just help. But my sister told the othrr sister that she needs to ask nicely and not just order. And yet when were alone she doesnt ask me to do something she just orders.
Another thing is that my other sister taps her fingers and my sister already told her that that was annoying and yet she just did it. Its insane.
And when theyre together like yesterday we went to the store and they were saying how i would never defend them even if they were talking bad. And my sister mentioned my swollen gland when we just got done through with eating and she was like im just worried that its thyroid. And i thought you really had to just say that?
I mean everyone was there. Its annoying.
Today i woke up and then woke her up and for 30 mins she didn't wake up so i went to the bathroom, not even 2mins had gone by and she was knocking on the door saying that it was late.
So today i dont know my weight . I didnt check due to the light that kept coming off
Im still 5'4"
And my stomach is so freaking fat and gross
See how gross?Collapse )
12 May 2016 @ 07:59 pm

My parents have gone away for a week and this is the first night I'm having to be on my own. Sounds silly and I'm not young at all and should be able to cope but I can't. I've only just got home to an empty house and I feel anxious and can't stop crying.
I'm so hungry because since they left my brain is telling me I have no reason to eat and I know if I force myself I'll be sick and I don't want to be :(
I'm such a mess. I'm scared of myself and what I can do. I hate being on my own so much and I just don't know what to do guys please someone help me