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01 January 2013 @ 03:10 pm
Considering there are only less than 10 rules in being a member of this community, one would think everyone would follow them. But apparently people do not read the rules before joining, or they just choose to ignore them. This is becoming a very huge issue apparently. I am going to take this time to address each rule right now. If you do not follow EVERY rule I will ban you, as your mod I have that responsibility.

RULE #1: You must have an eating disorder to join this community. This isn't a quick fix to weight loss. You need to have a genuine eating disorder to post here.
Pretty self explanatory, isn't it? But we are CONSTANTLY getting people here saying how they want to lose weight because they simply feel 'fat'. That is not how an eating disorder works. And considering it's almost summertime I know there are going to be dozens of posts like that. I WILL be deleting them immediately before people can give them tips on how to loose weight in an unhealthy way.

RULE #2: Please put any pictures behind a cut, if you don't I will give you one warning and if you still fail to delete your post I will delete it.
This is an extremely important rule and everyday someone ignores it. I don't care if it's just a photo of your dog, it needs to be placed behind a cut. ESPECIALLY if it's something that could be triggering. If you do not know how to put a photo behind a cut it's very, very simple. Take a look here

RULE #3: Do not distribute dangerous advice to others that could harm them.
I cannot stress this rule enough. If I see a comment of someone telling another member how to purge, lose weight rapidly, or what diet pills or laxatives to use, I will delete your comment immediately. This community will NOT be the reason someone became ill, developed an eating disorder, or even died.

RULE #4: We do not encourage "group fasts" here. Do not ask for people to join you in harming yourself.
These 'group fasts' or 'texting buddies' can become very dangerous. Some people may even use them as a competition and therefore become very ill. I understand some people want the support of a texting buddy but I know for a fact most people will send a text to the other person telling them to stop eating or tell them 'they're strong enough not to eat.' Disgusting. It is also very dangerous on the account you have no idea who is on the other side of that phone. It could be ANYONE.

RULE #5: Do NOT post your exact location when/if filling in "Current Location". This is for your safety.
I know a lot of your phones automatically put your current location into your post, but it is strictly against the rules. All I'm asking is that you check your post once it's posted to make sure it is not added to it. If you do not delete it, your post will eventually be deleted itself with no warning.

RULE #6: Do NOT delete comments on your entry or replies.
This is very common with people who do not have an eating disorder to begin with. They get angry at what other members have to say, to keep them safe, so they end up deleting comments they don't like. I, as well as the other mod, will not tolerate this. It is out of respect you keep those comments on your posts, whether you like them or not. If they are harmful or disrespectful towards you, send a PM to me and I will take care of it.

Simple, right? If you have any problems with any of these rules, contact me through PM, or comment here.
26 January 2015 @ 10:03 pm
Most healthy people have that one day a week their "YOLO" day a day that is filled with chips or tacos or cake where calories just don't freakin matter where you can eat the greasy disgusting trash that the world has to offer

I have a day like that -- but it's more like the only day I allow myself to eat ... It usually consists of a mini binge that doesn't even count as a binge because I've calculated it before and it doesn't usually go over 1000 calories for the whole day ...

I've started thinking my bones are too big again ... My ribs are so wide that I'll never be small ... It's all my delusions ... I can be certain that I really do live in Wonderland-- I see one other person on here that refers to wonderland and a bunch of profile pictures so I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels the connection to the madness ....

I only wish it were a real place where we could meet for tea instead of this cyber connection that may always feel just a little too empty
26 January 2015 @ 07:20 pm
I don't know why I even bother with Facebook. No one talks to me on there. No one cares about the things I post. No one comments, no one cares. The "friends" I have on there only deign to talk to me when they have problems and want me to be their shrink. If I need them, they're too busy for me. Why bother? I'm done with friends who expect me to drop everything at the drop of a hat and then are too busy when I need them. It may sound rude or stingy or whatever, but I just am done with people like that. If they need me, too damn bad. I'm done.

I'm super depressed. Partially because my therapist didn't even bother to read the letter I wrote her, and still didn't unwrap the blanket I gave her. I don't know why I even go to therapy. It's so pointless. All I do is ramble at her. I never make goals or progress. What the hell is the point?

I wish I had the balls to just dive into my ED and say suck it to my family when they tried to make me eat with them. I always do so well until I eat with them, and then it's like I can't stop. =(

I know I'm just depressed and none of that is really true...but it feels real because I am depressed, you know? Depression is the worst. Hope it comes and goes fast this time. But friends are awful. Who needs 'em.

26 January 2015 @ 10:25 am
Well, seems I didn't give it (or the lady I called a bitch doctor) enough credit. I'm down to 199 this morning. That means I lost 7 pounds of shit. Not the fifteen she called for, but still. So that's cool. Onederland and all that. Called her this morning and told her I'd taken the lax. She wasn't too happy, until I told her nothing else had worked, so now I've been told to take a half dose every day from now on. Only slightly triggering, eh? Ha.

I see my counselor this morning...first meeting after the excessively dramatic letter I wrote her and dropped off. Ugh. That's going to be fun, considering that in said letter, I told her about all my major problems including the sexual abuse by my husband that I'm trying to get over. >.< Ugh.

So now I'm just killing time waiting for it to be 11 so I can head over there. I should probably round up some school supplies since I start class tomorrow.... I did my makeup, but that takes me less than ten minutes, so it's not much of a time killer lol.

I feel super fat today, even though I'm down 7 pounds. My jeans are ridiculously tight. =( Having clothes that fit is kind of a toss up, really...if they fit, the size isn't anything I'd like to disclose, and if they're a "good" size, then they're tight. Mer.

Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling now. Take care everybody.

26 January 2015 @ 01:05 am
Got more apple cider vinegar, haven't eaten anything today ... Second dose of bentonite clay cleanse
Did 50 jumping jacks this morning

Going to do 50 more tonight some mountain climbers ,some plank hip rockers , and who knows what else maybe I'll follow a video so I get a full workout

Should be good :)
25 January 2015 @ 08:06 pm
I'm a terrible human being. Why? Because I promised my grandparents I'd always be there for them, if they ever needed me, and now, when they need me, I can't be there for them, because I'm a nutbag. I can't be away from my team for one stinking month to take care of my grandma after her back surgery in April. On top of that, my friends have all but abandoned me except one, who I'm slowly abandoning anyway. I guess it was always meant to be this way. Me, alone. I just wish I could be who they need me to be, but I can't. I can't even be who I need me to be. I just want to stop. Stop eating, stop caring, stop breathing. In -- out -- in -- out. Every day. I'm so tired. I'm never going to be anything special, so why do I even bother trying? I'm just a coward who needs her mommy to stick up for her all day every day. I'm 23 freaking years old, I should be handling my own problems, but I'm not. I just want this nightmare to be over. 204 just now, by the way. Stupid bitch doctor was lying about the 15 pounds of crap I was supposedly harboring. I was 206 this morning. I'll likely be 202 in the morning. A whopping 4 pounds. Whatever. We all know I'm destined to be fat, ugly, stupid, cowardly, and dependent for the rest of my life.

25 January 2015 @ 12:38 pm
Hello, everyone. I'm back on LJ & just looking for some support here. I needed a private journal to tell my true feelings where people could actually listen - so here it is. I joined this community because I don't want to just be another blurb on the website - I truly want people I can talk to!

A little bit of my history. (no photos)
CAUTION. may trigger.Collapse )
25 January 2015 @ 07:55 pm

So I tried... I really did. The end of last week was bad...My T told me (after seeing her for about 2 years) that she didn't think she could help me anymore and that I needed more than she could offer and that a team based approach would be better for me. This sparked all the abandonment issues I was working on with her, so I spoke to a friend about what she said. My friend said that I had to try and eat or I would end up too weak to work (work has been the only thing in the past that I have eaten for really). But I can't. Had a family meal out today and I tried to eat normal, I really did, but I just ended up nearly having a panic attack when I got home. I have control, I need control, especially if I'm going to be on my own again... I'm such a useless waste of space. Sorry for posting this crap.

25 January 2015 @ 11:26 am
So dating....

I realized I have this fear of dating someone that is fit because I feel they will realize the mess that I am :(

Like what if I'm the heavy one in the relationship? Do people even notice that stuff ?
And this awful fear of dating girly girls and not being seen as pretty because she's pretty (in the girly way)

Omg help me get this delusion out of my head... It's a delusion right??